I didn’t write this. The credit goes to Fegus Webber and you can view the original text at http://fwob.blogspot.com/2005/07/how-to-handle-web-deisgner.html However, he had so many spelling and grammatical errors that I felt like re-writing portions of it, plus he’s British so he insists on calling dollars “pounds” for some reason. So this is a slightly edited, Americanized version.
All I can say is that while most clients aren’t like this, there are some you would assume have read this and have taken it to heart.
How to handle a web deisgner
Earlier we talked about not needing a web designer but you might be too busy to bother with your website so you may have to have one after all. Here is my guide for handling them properly…
Web designers are like dogs, you have to show them who’s boss or soon enough they will be chewing your furniture and pissing on your carpets. Here are a few basic rules if you ever have the unfortunate experience of having to deal with a web designer.
When you first meet your new possible web designer, he will ask you lots of questions about what you want and how much you might want to pay. Just shrug your shoulders and say as little as possible. A web designer can smell trust and if you show him you are trusting he is sure to take advantage of you.
Say you can get it cheaper
When he does give you a price for building your website say you can get it cheaper. Even if he offers to do it for fifty bucks say you can get it for five. He might start going on about standards, professionalism and stuff but don’t be fooled. Treat a web designer as a profesional and soon he will be asking you to deliver lunch to him and buy him a more comfortable chair. Oh and if he mentions ROI, tell him that he should take regular breaks away from his mouse and keyboard. If you can’t get it cheaper you may have to pay but you might get lucky, he might do it for three bucks if he is hungry or needs a new iPod.
Alter the design
If your web designer is still sniffing around after all your attempts to get rid of him let him have a go at making you a design for your website. You need to be quite subtle about this bit–don’t say you don’t like the design at all and can we do another one, say you like it a lot, but…the thing to do is to spend a few days requesting little changes. These will build up over time and ruin the design. This is a good one. Web designers hate this and by now he will have relinqushed himself to your control. Do a little test at this point, say something really daft like, can we have the site upside down, ha ha! If your web designer is where you want him to be he should sigh and say sumthing (I left this spelling error in because I found it humorous, rather than distracting) like — whatever you want, it will be done and then he will do it, ha!
From now on you really can get the website you deserve!!! ha!
Things to do the day before you launch your website
This is sooo much fun you will love it. The day before you launch your website email lots of changes to your web designer and add some new content. Do this in a Word document and maybe an Excel one and put lots of colours, tables and stuff. Just make it really messy, web designers hate that. Also put lots of smelling mistakes (I also had to leave in this error because of the irony) in the text and then phone up the web designer and tell him the site is full of spelling mistakes–they think that is funny!
Things to do the day after your website launch
To begin, make good comments. Build your web designer up, make him feel good but have your special friend at the ready. Your special friend should have something to do with computers, it doesn’t matter what, hardware bloke or if he just works in a shop where they use computers a lot. Have your special friend do a site critique (or observation as I like to call it) of your new site and then email this to your web designer. Remember your web designer will be stressed and tired from you hauling his behind over the rocks of this project but your nice comments will have lifted his spirits a little, so this final observations will put him firmly in his place. Be sure to tell your special friend to say things like there are no meta keywords, why can’t I find it on the search engines and it doesn’t work on Netscape 4.
With this done your web designer is pretty much crushed and serves him bloody write for bothering you in the first place. All that is left to do is hold out on payment for as long as possible so that you are sure he will never darken your door again and maybe you can get your website for free.